PERFECTIONISM & YOU
PERFECTIONISM & YOU
By: Jack Guyler
Being perfect isn’t possible, but many of us try. Actually in doing so, we often become our worst enemy. I believe perfectionism is one of the leading contributors to mental health issues. I speak from experience and will say more about this in a moment. I identify three primary sources of perfectionism:
The Church - some people have grown up in churches and with brands of Christianity that mix up perfectionism with striving to live a holy and Spirit-filled life
Your Personality - If you tend to be a high C on the DISC personality indicator, then you tend to be overly concerned with details and doing everything just right to the point where it can affect how you actually function in day to day life
Your Parents/Coaches/Teachers/Authority Figures who demanded you to be do things perfectly.
David Seamands says that perfectionism is the most disturbing emotional problem among evangelical Christians. [1] He points out that many Christians, and I would add even among many people who aren’t Christians, that the idea that you aren’t enough or don’t do things well enough harms many people. It’s the constant idea that “I did ok, but…” We can never be happy or say to ourselves, “I did the best I could at the time, and that is good enough.” In addition, self-depreciation and anxiety usually follow people who are perfectionists like a little puppy dog.
I grew up with a dad who was extremely perfectionistic. He required me to cut cheese or bread just a certain way. To him, there was only one right way to do something, which was his way. No deviation was allowed. He also blanketed me with perfectionism with the idea that if you aren’t the very best at something, you shouldn’t do it. There was no “good enough”, “you did your best” or “second place.” This was an extremely hard way to grow up. It keeps you under constant pressure and results in self-doubt and low self-esteem. These led me to living much of my life by either being afraid to try something new (because what if you failed or weren’t the best – what would that say about me?} or developing the nasty habit of procrastination. Over time, this way of living wears you down and you really become prone to depression. Most experts agree that perfectionism is very unhealthy and can lead people to mental health challenges such as anger, anxiety and depression. And if you are a religious person, your own perfectionism can become a very cruel god to you.
Is there a way out of perfectionism? I haven’t found any quick answers or relief. I find it to be a daily battle. It begins with awareness. You need to look at your own life and see if it’s a problem. You’ll want to hear what those around you might be saying. The next step is to pray and ask God to show you a path to healing (you may never be fully healed from it, but you can learn to manage it rather than it managing and controlling you). I have used counseling over many years to help me cope with life in different ways than through perfectionism. It still has a way of creeping back in, but I can now recognize it and usually address it, which helps reduce its negative effects.
What really needs to be addressed is the anger you build up toward yourself for not doing everything perfectly. I am coming to see that I was never intended to be perfect in this broken world. Rather I have to remind myself all the time I have been made by God and my life is just as valuable as anyone else’s. Second, “I did the best I can” or “that’s was good enough” are okay and healthy phrases to describe myself and my performances. It is a life time battle, just as most mental health challenges are, but the key is, not whether you reach the top of the mountain, but that you keep climbing!
TAKE AWAY: Perfectionism is a cruel god. Make sure you don’t keep worshipping him and look to the real God who says “I got you” and will make up for your flaws, failures and shortcomings.
1 - Healing For Damaged Emotions, David Seamands
